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Warning signs

Nobody is looking for a checklist to confirm what they already feel. But sometimes seeing it written down makes it real.

What to look for

In a partner’s behavior

  • Checks your phone, email, or location, or wants your passwords
  • Decides who you can see and pulls you away from family and friends
  • Criticizes or humiliates you, in private or in front of others
  • Controls the money, or requires you to account for every dollar
  • Has a temper that others never see
  • Blames you, alcohol, stress, or 'being provoked' for their behavior
  • Threatens to hurt you, themselves, your children, or your pets
  • Pressures or forces sexual contact
  • Damages your belongings or punches walls when angry
  • Apologizes intensely afterward, then repeats the same behavior

In how you find yourself living

  • You edit what you say to avoid setting them off
  • You apologize for things you did not do
  • You have stopped seeing people you love
  • You feel afraid, on guard, or exhausted at home
  • You do not have access to your own money or documents
  • You have started to wonder whether your memory of events is accurate
  • You are worried what would happen if you tried to leave

In someone you care about

  • They cancel plans often, especially at the last minute
  • Their partner speaks for them or answers their phone
  • They seem anxious about being late or being reached
  • Injuries they explain quickly, or that do not match the explanation
  • They have lost access to money, transportation, or friends
  • They talk about their partner's temper as something they manage

If you are worried about someone

What to say, and what not to say

The most useful thing most people can offer is a relationship with no conditions attached.

Say

  • "I believe you."
  • "This is not your fault."
  • "I am worried about you, and I am not going anywhere."
  • "What would actually be helpful?"

Try not to say

  • "Why don’t you just leave?"
  • "If you don’t leave, I can’t keep doing this."
  • "I never liked them anyway."
  • "Are you sure it’s that bad?"

Leaving is rarely a single event, and the period around leaving is the most dangerous time. Staying in contact matters more than being right.

You can call an advocate on someone else’s behalf to understand the options, even if that person is not ready. Advocates can help you help them.

Right now

If you need to talk to someone right now

These are statewide and national services. They are free, confidential, available 24 hours a day, and none of them is operated by Maxine’s Arms. To reach Maxine’s Arms directly, call 773-243-5464.

National Domestic Violence Hotline

Support for anyone affected by relationship abuse — including people who are unsure whether what they are experiencing counts.

800-799-SAFE (7233) Or text START to 88788 · TTY 1-800-787-3224 · thehotline.org

Illinois Domestic Violence Hotline

Illinois’ statewide 24-hour hotline. Call, text or chat with an advocate who can connect you to a program anywhere in the state.

877-863-6338 877-TO END DV · 240+ languages · the-network.org

StrongHearts Native Helpline

Culturally appropriate support for Native Americans and Alaska Natives affected by domestic, dating and sexual violence.

844-7NATIVE 844-762-8483 · strongheartshelpline.org

RAINN National Sexual Assault Hotline

For survivors of sexual assault, by phone or online chat, routed to a provider near you.

800-656-HOPE 800-656-4673 · rainn.org

988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline

Free, confidential support during any mental health or emotional crisis, by call or text.

988 Call or text 988 · 988lifeline.org

If you are in immediate danger or facing a life-threatening emergency, call 911.

Every part of this work is held up by someone.

Survivors reaching out. Advocates answering. Neighbors giving. Partners opening doors. There is a place in it for you.

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