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Understanding abuse
Abuse is a pattern of control. It can involve violence, and it very often does not.
Many people do not use the word "abuse" about their own relationship for a long time — sometimes because there are no bruises, sometimes because the worst of it happens rarely, sometimes because they were told the problem was them. None of that changes what it is.
Abuse is not caused by stress, alcohol, temper, or anything the other person did. It is a pattern of behavior used to gain and keep control. It usually escalates. And it is never the fault of the person it is aimed at.
The forms it takes
Eight patterns advocates see
These overlap. Most people experience several at once.
Physical abuse
Hitting, choking, shoving, restraining, throwing objects, denying medical care, or any use of physical force to control or frighten. Strangulation — even once — is a serious warning sign of escalating danger.
Emotional and psychological abuse
Constant criticism, humiliation, name-calling, blaming, threats, and making someone doubt their own memory or judgment. It leaves no bruises and can be just as damaging.
Sexual abuse
Any sexual contact that is forced, coerced, or that a person cannot freely agree to — including inside a marriage or long-term relationship. Reproductive coercion, such as sabotaging birth control, is also abuse.
Financial and economic abuse
Controlling all the money, taking someone's paycheck, running up debt in their name, blocking them from working, or keeping them without enough to leave. It is one of the most common reasons people feel trapped.
Technological abuse
Monitoring phones, messages, email or location; installing tracking apps; demanding passwords; harassment by text or social media; sharing private images without consent.
Stalking
Repeated following, watching, showing up uninvited, unwanted contact, or gifts and messages that are meant to unsettle rather than charm. Stalking often continues, or begins, after a relationship ends.
Coercive control
A pattern of rules, surveillance, isolation and threats that steadily narrows a person's world — who they see, what they wear, where they go, what they are allowed to decide.
Cultural, spiritual and immigration-related abuse
Using faith, family expectations, language barriers, or immigration status as leverage — threatening deportation, withholding documents, or using a community's beliefs to justify control.
If you take one thing from this page
You are allowed to ask for help before it gets worse
You do not need to be in danger this minute. You do not need proof. You do not need to have decided anything. "Something feels wrong and I want to talk to someone" is a complete reason.
Right now
If you need to talk to someone right now
These are statewide and national services. They are free, confidential, available 24 hours a day, and none of them is operated by Maxine’s Arms. To reach Maxine’s Arms directly, call 773-243-5464.
National Domestic Violence Hotline
Support for anyone affected by relationship abuse — including people who are unsure whether what they are experiencing counts.
800-799-SAFE (7233) Or text START to 88788 · TTY 1-800-787-3224 · thehotline.orgIllinois Domestic Violence Hotline
Illinois’ statewide 24-hour hotline. Call, text or chat with an advocate who can connect you to a program anywhere in the state.
877-863-6338 877-TO END DV · 240+ languages · the-network.orgStrongHearts Native Helpline
Culturally appropriate support for Native Americans and Alaska Natives affected by domestic, dating and sexual violence.
844-7NATIVE 844-762-8483 · strongheartshelpline.orgRAINN National Sexual Assault Hotline
For survivors of sexual assault, by phone or online chat, routed to a provider near you.
800-656-HOPE 800-656-4673 · rainn.org988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline
Free, confidential support during any mental health or emotional crisis, by call or text.
988 Call or text 988 · 988lifeline.orgIf you are in immediate danger or facing a life-threatening emergency, call 911.